How Do You Get That Lonely?
by DalstinKyukiMikileyluv
Summary: Luna is talking to a counselor about her suicide attempt. Title is a song about teen suicide.
1. Chapter 1

LUNA-

Nargles. It's the first and last thing I think of every single day of my life. In fact, I'm fairly certain that my first word was Nargles. The truth? You want the truth? Well, I suppose since my father decided to send me to you, I can tell you some of it. But only some, okay?

It started first year, because that's when everything that's going to happen starts to come together. It's also when it starts to fall apart. The girls took my clothes from me, and hid them throughout the school. Hogwarts, of course. Oh, you went there? I guess that makes sense, it just seems like you were too special for that. Maybe you went to the one in France.

Anyway, you want to know why I tried to kill myself. And why I pretended like I was chasing made up creatures instead of trying to leap from the Astronomy Tower. Well, I know there is no such thing as Nargles. I do. And I am doing a little better, since after that people stopped taking my things. It's only that I think they stopped because they can't see me.

I know they can see me. It's a defense mechanism, I'm sorry. I meant that I feel like they can't see me. That I'm invisible to them because they choose to ignore me. I don't exist to them. But who would be friends with Loony?

Right, the point. I really don't see how that was off topic, but okay. Then I met Harry Potter. He's rather nice, for such a well known wizard. My father likes him. He was nice to me, but distant. I suppose it had something to do with the monster he fought that year. Second year. That was better. Neville seemed to understand me. He is an outcast too. I understand him.

Do you know why nargles is what I constantly think of? Because they were and are an escape to me. A fairy world, like the kind in Muggle books that rarely go wrong and are quickly fixed when they do. A children's book. Nargles. Nothing goes wrong, even when it does.

I suppose the truth is that I don't want to tell you the truth. I can't trust you. I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with you, it's just bad memories and experiences. I'm afraid if I keep talking about "why," I'll forget about the experience of needing something I couldn't find and just reduce it to pain. To a mistake. I don't feel like what I did was too bad. I know that my father would miss me, but somewhere in my brain it doesn't click all the time. That'd be the wrackspurts. Those are real, you know. I didn't make them up. My father told me it was the wrackspurts, or maybe a rouge dementor that made me feel so sad and empty.

I don't feel that way anymore. The Healers at St. Mungo's are really good at removing wrackspurts. Oh, and you have a few too many, so you might want to go see them soon.


	2. Chapter 2

So this time you want to talk to me about the wrackspurts? I suppose that's alright. I've been wondering about you since last week.  
>The wrackspurts gather up inside of someone's brain. They can do anything. Usually they affect mood. They make Draco Malfoy very angry, and Neville Longbottom insecure. I rather like Neville. He listens well.<p>

Yes, me. This is about me, I know. But I'm not exactly my favorite subject. I like Divination because Professor Trelawney understands me. Okay. I've been preparing myself, and I think I can tell you why I did it.

I felt lost. I felt so lost and lonely that it didn't matter how many people really cared about me. All I could think about was the sneer on their faces when they saw me looking for my clothes. There was one day where I had to go to class without a robe. It was so embarrasing. I cried that night, and I knew that I was close to giving in.

I knew that malice filled, "Go kill yourself!" wasn't serious, but I fooled myself into thinking that it was. The world would be a better place without me. If I wasn't alive, Harry wouldn't be picked on for talking to me anymore, and then he won't wear the same face I do. Regret. Defeat. I waved the white flag above my head, I held it high and at night I snuck into the Astronomy Tower.

The stones were cold. I ran my hand along the walls and I held on to the assorted things littering the room. I was afraid of being caught, not because I wanted to stay out of trouble, but because I didn't want to be stopped. I climbed up onto the edge. I walked along the siding and I looked down at the ground. It's really very far away, if you look.

Yes, I suppose I was scared. I sat down on that wall and swung my feet against the stone. The ground was closer to me. I started to slide off, but I forgot that Dumbledore often watched the stars from there. He ran to me, yelling something. I wanted to..

I wanted...

I'd like some water, please. I drink it slowly and then continue speaking.

My head swims a lot. There are colors, and noises, and shapes. I can't make them stop. It really hurts me, sometimes I can't do anything but cry until I fall asleep.

Dumbledore found me, crying on the wall, and he pulled me off of it. I didn't know that he was that strong. He held me close to him and walked me down to Madame Pomfrey. She sent me to St. Mungo's.

The people at St. Mungo's wanted to keep me there, but my father told me that if I wanted to go home, he would take me home. He doesn't trust them. I hated being there. They looked into my eyes and they prodded my skin with their fingers, but they didn't tell me why. Maybe they were trying to get the wrackspurts out. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

We danced in the kitchen that night and drank tea. I pretended not to notice that he was crying. He stroked my hair and told me he loves me very much.

Am I an awful person?

I'm glad that you don't think so.

I feel like an awful person. I made him cry, and my father never cries. I'm selfish. I'm not pretty like Ginny Weasley is. I don't like myself very much.

That's why I tried to leap from the tower, anyway. I wouldn't like to speak of it again. But I do like telling you things. You listen. When I talk, you aren't just waiting for the next moment to prove me wrong or put me down. You just listen. The only other person who does that is Neville. Thank you.

I know that it's almost time to go. If I come back, will you promise to be here?

Yes, l believe you will.


End file.
